Easy Steps to Have a Terrible Start to Your Day!
Do you need that adrenaline rush of sneaking in the side door without your boss spotting you? Enjoy getting dirty looks from your co-worker who has way too much time on her hands and just all around sucks? Then follow this easy morning routine to make sure you are 15 minutes late to work every day!
One of the best things you can do to make sure you are late is to hit the snooze button. You want the alarm close enough so you can hit it without having to get up or even change your position. If you set your alarm a few minutes early to get in some squats and lunges, no worries. That’s another pleasant round of bells and whistles for you and your partner to sleep through.
I like to use the alarm on my phone. That way it’s right on my pillow. This not only makes sure I stay up too late looking at a small screen, but when my alarm goes off I won’t even be awake the first few times I hit snooze. If you do nothing else, this trick could easily make you 15 minutes late.
How’s your hot water heater? Bad? Fantastic. You would think taking a luke warm shower would put some pep in your step. Nope! You’ll stand shivering waiting waiting waiting for that water to get hot. It won’t!
Once your crappy shower is over, be sure to just stand there holding your towel. Give yourself a few good minutes of zoning out. Sitting on the toilet is another great time to try this.
Don’t make the mistake of packing your lunch the night before. Taking the time to put baby carrots in a Ziploc baggie and making a soggy turkey sandwich you will throw out on your way to Chipotle, could mean the difference between being only 10 minutes late or 15. If you have kids, be sure to prepare a lunch for them that includes a lot of slicing. They’re only going to eat the chips, but get those sliced apples and celery in there. And don’t buy handy individual bags of chips. You are going to want to separate as many items into sandwich baggies as possible.
Now only a sucker lays out their clothes the night before, or even checks to make sure they have clean underwear. You’ll be spending a chunk of your morning running between piles of laundry sniffing the pits to determine which is the clean pile. Once you find it you won’t have any matching socks. That’s perfect!
After looking frantically through the house for your keys only to find them in the bottom of your bag, you are finally ready to head out the door. If you would have left on time, you would have just beat the morning rush. Now you get to spend an extra twenty minutes in bumper to bumper traffic. Lucky you!
Take this time to think of excuses in case you run into your boss or someone important. Traffic is a solid go to. Does your commute involve a bridge or tunnel? Always nice to include a fender bender on something specific. If you are really late or feeling dark, you could do the old five car pile up, ambulance, and closed lanes routine. Throw in a body bag for extra effect. I tend to stay away from excuses like this for fear of karma biting me in the ass.
Remember those kids? Use them! Again, don’t get too serious or specific. Does your three year old really have a double ear infection and hives every morning? Think messy.
“I was on my way out the door when Bobby dumped his milk on the hard wood. Uggg.”
“Suzie had a major blow out right after we strapped her in the car seat. Kids!”
Using the night before is another good strategy.
A simple: “Billy had a terrible night.” is very effective.
If your kids are older, make sure you portray them as irresponsible.
“Danny couldn’t find his permission slip.”
“Kristy lost her chrome book.”
Be at the end of your rope. You want whoever is asking to feel you are on the verge of bursting into tears. This isn’t a trick just for women. No one wants to see a man cry.
Spilling coffee on yourself, falling into a puddle…all happening on your way out the door, are great for anyone to keep in their excuses tool kit.
Power outages and alarm malfunctions can be used sparingly. You aren’t going to get any promotions if your boss feels you can’t reliably set an alarm clock.
If you have some dramatic flair, go ahead and have a migraine, cramps, or tummy issues. You’ll need to mope around work long enough for the imaginary Advil to kick in. If you look terrible enough, no one will even ask. In a few hours talk loudly in the break room about how much better you are feeling. What an awful xyz you were dealing with earlier. Remember, be careful about getting too detailed. That’s a dead give away.
I hope this inspires you to have a horrible start to your day. Remember, Friday is always a really long ways a way!