From the office of me.
In case you missed my announcement in front of the second floor Hot Topic at the Mall of America, I declare myself to be the winner of the 2020 Presidential election and the 46th President of the United States of America. I’d like to thank my supporter, my mother, and let the American people know we are ready to make America me again.
Our campaign is actively engaged in the peaceful transition of power which I will outline below. I have received congratulatory messages from three of my four deceased grandparents. After I find my tarot cards, I expect to hear from Grandma Gerry very soon. Jon Snow has sent a raven supporting our victory and pledges the support of all the free folk. He has a standing invitation to the White House and I look forward to a long and sensual relationship.
On my first day in office I will sign into effect the following executive orders:
50% off at Targets nationwide.
Three day work weeks.
A ban on all cropped slim work pants.
I further declare the third Wednesday of March to be Dr. Fauci day and the second Friday of every month to be National Breakfast for Dinner Day. This is of course in addition to Taco Tuesdays and Thirsty Thursdays.
Please share in my excitement as I announce future cabinet members. David Rose as Secretary of State, Leslie Knope Head of Homeland Security, Jake Tapper as my personal assistant, and a very enthusiastic welcome to Secretary of Education Big Bird, and Attorney General Ant Man. Elizabeth Warren will be overseeing all things math related.
The American people are currently fighting a war against the deadly Corona Virus Pandemic. I am delighted to share that the acclaimed ER Physician Doug Ross will be heading up my administration’s pandemic task force.
On behalf of the American people, thank you sir for coming out of retirement to guide us through these tumultuous times. You are a true patriot.
Within the first year of taking office I vow to pass a constitutional amendment declaring all islanders on “Lost” were actually in purgatory the entire time. Denying this ending will be a federal crime.
Teachers will receive twenty three million dollars in back pay effective immediately and “Hey Ya!” will be the new National Anthem. It is indeed time that we all shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture.
I would be remiss to not mention the historic accomplishment of having the first feline in the Oval Office, my cat, Derek. He vows to work paw and paw with dogs everywhere to ensure water bowls are full and litter boxes are clean. He has purred his way across this great nation and is ready to serve all pets.
In short, I don’t care what that one guy says or that other guy does. I am the next President of the United States. You can expect another briefing as soon as my kids go to bed.
But in all seriousness…hold on as I grab my jar of Lorazepam…please, please, please, to all the currently elected officials…please respect the vote of the American people and do your job in upholding the Constitution of the United States. You took an oath to defend Democracy, not keep any one party in power. You can decide if this is a joke or the end. Choose wisely.