A Declaration of Victory

From the office of me.

In case you missed my announcement in front of the second floor Hot Topic at the Mall of America, I declare myself to be the winner of the 2020 Presidential election and the 46th President of the United States of America. I’d like to thank my supporter, my mother, and let the American people know we are ready to make America me again.

Our campaign is actively engaged in the peaceful transition of power which I will outline below. I have received congratulatory messages from three of my four deceased grandparents. After I find my tarot cards, I expect to hear from Grandma Gerry very soon. Jon Snow has sent a raven supporting our victory and pledges the support of all the free folk. He has a standing invitation to the White House and I look forward to a long and sensual relationship.

On my first day in office I will sign into effect the following executive orders:

50% off at Targets nationwide.

Three day work weeks.

A ban on all cropped slim work pants.

I further declare the third Wednesday of March to be Dr. Fauci day and the second Friday of every month to be National Breakfast for Dinner Day. This is of course in addition to Taco Tuesdays and Thirsty Thursdays.